The Worst Part of Breaking Up is the Emotions

So I've noticed that the worst part of breaking up is the emotions. It's incredibly complicated. You're not just sad or just relieved or just anything. You're everything. One moment you could be completely fine, thinking that you've finally moved on with your life and that your future looks bright without him, but then it'll hit you. The main thing that I don't understand in this awkward post-breakup stage is the fact that even though I logically know this is the right decision, I still want to get back together.

It's not that I think it will work, or that I think it can be repaired, because I know it can't. I just... still want somebody to call me when I'm walking home from the gym. I still want to hear about his day, and the things that he's excited for. I still want to hug him when I see him, and I still want to see him all the time. 

There's something magical, beautiful, and addictive about sharing your life with another person. It's something you never realize you need until you fall madly in love, but afterwards you can't help wondering how anyone ever gets by without that feeling. How did I survive before? It's like you become the most interesting person in the world. Someone out there loves you so much that they actually want to know what you ate for lunch that day, or what toppings you put on your sandwich, and it's not out of obligation that they listen... it's because somehow that topic actually is interesting to them because it's about you. And even stranger is that it's a two-way street, you also want to know about what they ate for lunch too. It's really amazing to know that no matter what bad happens in your life, there's someone out there that cares about what you put on your sandwich. And that no matter how horribly you mess up sometimes... if you fail a class, chew out your friend, get sick, lose your job, anything... someone's still out there waiting to talk to you about that and anything else you have to say. And you want to do the same for them. It's absolutely astonishing to share your life with another person.

But then, when it ends, there's this gaping hole left. Even after you noticed the relationship was puttering out. Even when you noticed those phone conversations getting shorter and shorter, those hugs getting less tight and comforting, those eyes looking at you less and less... even then, when you know you have to move on, you still feel just lost. There is no breakup where you come out of it okay, especially if you love someone. There's no way to really recover. It's like there's still that automatic reaction sometimes, like you forget for a second that the relationship is no longer there. Even a month after breaking up, I've caught myself reaching for my phone as I walk out of the gym, accidentally pressing in the first few digits of his phone number before remembering. I've caught myself looking forward to Friday, because I used to go see him every Friday night, but then I remember that that's no longer the case. And I've caught myself thinking, nearly every day, something along the lines of, "Oh I should tell him that-" before remembering again. 

I'm not just writing this as a woe-is-me kind of thing, either. I know that billions of people throughout history have felt what I am feeling now. But, I'm just trying to piece together what exactly I'm having so much trouble with here. Basically, I'm just saying that it's difficult to go back to just being me, myself, and I after being a part of a pair. Especially when it was supposed to work out.