It's Finals Week

So I've noticed that it's finals week. In case you're wondering what I've been doing, it's mostly this:

It's Nearly Finals' Week

So I've noticed that it's nearly finals' week. Therefore, that means I'll be taking a temporary break from posting. Since my only known readers are my best friend and mother, I doubt there will be too many broken hearts mourning my absence from their online lives. Still, on the off chance that one of you has desperately fallen in love with the words I write, have no fear! I will return as soon as I finish these finals. Wish me luck, I'll need it!

My Generation Needs to Stop Being Apathetic

So I've noticed that my generation needs to stop being apathetic. I don't know how many times I've heard one of my college peers rattling off complaints about how they work so hard, and yet are unable to make enough money to pay for school, housing, food, life. Still, if you ask that same person if they've written to legislators about how they want an increase in the minimum wage, the answer tends to be a resounding, "no." Better yet, if you ask them whether or not they'll be voting in the November election the answer is a resounding, "There's an election in November?" They don't even know.

And let me tell you something else, I live in a mostly conservative state. I have absolutely no issue with people who are Republican, and I have nothing wrong with people who are Democrats. What I do have an issue with is people having no freaking clue what they party they swear by is even doing. I mean really? You really want an increase in the federal minimum wage? Then why do you vote Republican despite the fact that all but one Republican Representative voted against raising the federal minimum wage. 

I'm an independent voter, meaning I don't subscribe to any party. This isn't because I don't care enough to research and decide which party my views fall in line with, but it's because I care enough to research and realize that both parties are absolutely crazy idiotic. Both are getting more and more extreme by the day, and while politics has become a contest between the two parties conducted with the eloquence of a three ring circus, my generation turns to social media to receive half-stories and snippets of biased information about things that may be happening in Congress, but who knows really? Meanwhile the more supposedly "informed" of my generations turn their sites to either a. Fox News, home of the Republican Figureheads or b. MSNBC, home of the Democrats who like to hear themselves talk nonsensically. And this is their only source of "legitimate" information.

  

Forgive me if I'm of the opinion that people have brains and should be capable of forming more of an educated opinion of things that affect our daily lives. And I'm sick and tired of hearing the excuses like, "Well I really don't care. It doesn't affect me. My vote doesn't matter anyways." Are you an idiot? Well no shit, Sherlock. Of course it doesn't matter because you're not voting. And FYI, to use language you might manage to understand from your extensive knowledge of acronyms, it does affect you. The reason that you're still being paid 7.25 an hour (instead of, I don't know, a livable wage) is because you don't care enough to vote for someone who would vote to raise it. So honestly, if you didn't vote, don't even talk to me about this.

Honestly, I've made my stance on this one issue clear. I think the minimum wage should be raised. That being said, if you do extensive research, make an educated decision to recognize biases in your news sources, and the formulate an opinion that opposes mine, I totally and 100% respect you in every way. And I totally and 100% respect your opinion as well, though I may disagree with it. But please, my fellow peers, don't watch ten minutes of your preferred biased news station and then consider yourself an expert on the issue. Just because you can rattle off whatever the guy on the TV said, doesn't make you an expert, and doesn't make you intelligent.

So, please, for the sake of our nation and my sanity both, stop being so goddamn apathetic about everything.  

People Need to Stop Degrading Others

So I've noticed that people need to stop degrading others. Now, this is a broad topic with many facets, and I'm a bit pissed off so let me elaborate.

As I may or may not have mentioned by now, I am a plus sized woman. I am an overweight woman. I am a size fourteen, and it's not something I'm proud of necessarily, but that's my size. No, I'm not obese, but I could be healthier. I have had serious issues in the past because as I grew up I ate in unhealthy ways and I was always really defensive about it. Basically, I ate my feelings from the time I was six, so I don't honestly remember a time where I wasn't overweight. So after living this way for my whole life, I decided in the past couple years to change and become healthy. 

Now, I have been successful to some degree. I have lost quite a bit of weight and become healthier overall, but it has been an extremely difficult journey, and it's one I'm still on. I still am trying to become healthier. Now, I don't mean that I dream of being a size six. That's never going to happen. I am 5'10", I have a big build naturally, and a healthy weight for my size is 165 lbs according to my doctor. Now, I am far heavier than that at the moment, but it's a goal I'm working towards. I'm also not saying I am trying to be skinnier, because that is a horrible goal that only leads you to self-hatred. I am trying to be healthier.   

If you've never been overweight, I'm trying to find a way to explain to you how hard it is to lose weight. First, you're addicted to certain kinds of foods, your body is literally craving them all the time. It's a physiological reaction that's difficult to overcome in itself. Also, food is often used as an emotional crutch, I know it was for me. So instead of dealing with my emotions as a child, I ate. Now I'm not letting myself have that option, so it's an emotional struggle as well. Then there's the difficulty of knowing that you aren't where you want to be health-wise, and that it will take a long time to get there. And just knowing that it won't just happen immediately is hard, because oftentimes it turns into self-hating, and then you get emotional, and then you want to eat. I'm not saying it's impossible, because I completely am for people trying to become the healthiest they can be. I'm just saying it's incredibly difficult.

So now let me get to my point. If I'm in the gym working out, don't you dare mock me. How dare you. Now I know for some of you, it's difficult to imagine that this even happens, but it does. It happens all the time. I can't even tell you how many times I've been working out in the gym only to be laughed at or overhear comments like, "I hope the machine doesn't break" or "Isn't it a little too late for you to be trying?" This happens. And it's not just me. I was talking to a girl from one of my classes the other day who said, "I had to stop going to the gym. I had to, because working out was supposed to make me feel good, but instead I left in tears almost every time I went because people were so horrible." 

I don't know where people get the idea that they have any right to be rude. Especially since it's quite clear that if someone is at the gym, they're taking the steps to make themselves healthy. I remember I quit going to the gym for a month last semester after one guy, who thought he was particularly hilarious, walked over and said to my face, "You got the wrong place, the BRC (my college's cafeteria) is across the street" before walking off and laughing with his friends. His obviously hilarious joke being that I was more interested in food. The worst part is, I was too shocked, horrified, and embarrassed to even say anything back. And this is because other people were laughing along with them.
 

Eventually I went back, knowing that if I avoided the gym because of idiots like that then I was just as big of an idiot. But it's difficult and hurtful. I never even told anyone about that incident before now because it was that horrifying for me to admit. I asked one of my friends, who is a major gym-goer, why she thought people did this. She just said that "people a lot of the time feel like if you're fat, you've done it to yourself, and you don't deserve sympathy. I know it's not right, but I know a lot of people that think that way, so they say and do stupid things." 

I just wanted to draw attention to this issue, because it's not just me. Gym bullying is a thing that happens, and it's probably more prevalent than you would think. So if I'm in the gym, don't you dare mock me. Don't you dare laugh at me. Just keep your thoughts to yourself, and leave me alone.

 

There's my rant everyone! Ah, I feel better now.

 

 

Lecture Classes Are Stupid

So I've noticed that lecture classes are stupid. The entire premise is kind of stupid. Here we are, 300 people sitting in a hall with one person and a PowerPoint up in front of us. There is no discussion, no deep thinking, but instead the mundane task of typing out each and every word on each and every slide and hoping that somehow the words that appear on our screen will somehow seep their way into our mind so that we maybe MAYBE will be able to pass an exam. Is this really even learning? Because to be honest, sitting in this lecture class I can honestly say the only reason I've learned anything about this topic is because I've read the entire text book (it's my major, so it's interesting... it's not like I just read text books because they're so fun and lovable or anything).

Now, some of you might be saying at this point, "wait, maybe you're not learning anything because you're typing a blog post and ignoring the lecture altogether." Well to that all I have to say is, "Yeah... you're probably right." However, even if I wasn't typing up this post, and instead I was typing out information about radiocarbon dating techniques I still would be thinking about something else. And either way, isn't all this information in the book? And if it's not couldn't I just find it online? I know this sounds kind of negative, but it's true. And it's a little bit sad.

Looking around this room I see about four people with notebooks and everyone else has out their computers or their tablets. And, sitting in the back I am able to see exactly what's up on peoples' screens. Trust me, none of them are typing notes. I see about ten Facebook pages up, one person is checking their grades, one person is looking at pictures of pizza (that look quite good, by the way), another is taking pictures with her computer's camera and putting different effects on them, is that person Skyping? How do you even get away with that in class? Oh, maybe it's Omegle. My point is, what are we really getting out of this class?

Now, of course, there's the argument that we should just not allow the computers and tablets and phones, so on and so forth. However, looking at the notebooks around the room I see one with notes being passed back and forth and one with a very elaborate doodle of a dragon, seriously, they should be an art major or something. It's really good. And those who are taking notes have this stressed out look on their face, worrying that the slide will change before they have the chance to get everything down, so they're just desperately writing and not even listening. In conclusion there's maybe MAYBE one person who's genuinely getting something out of this lecture class.

Instead wouldn't it be more beneficial to make more involved classes with discussions and less students? I think so, at least. Then maybe instead of one person absorbing the information, all of the students would.

Food for thought, guys. Let me know what you think!

Moving is Really Difficult

So I've noticed that moving is really difficult. This is especially true if you've lived in one place for a very long time. I've lived in Idaho for six years, which to some people might not seem like such a significant amount of time, but it's the longest I've ever lived in one place. Plus, I'm only 19 years old, so it's nearly a third of my life we're talking about here. And it's strange to think that I'm going away.

Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to leave. I have never been so sure about a decision before in my entire life. By moving I will be: 1. better able to pursue my dream. 2. closer to family 3. able to start a new life after a devastating break-up 4. able to find work 5. able to repair family relationships. Basically, everything about this move is a good thing for me. Still, it's difficult.

Logistically it's difficult. I have so much crap, and I never realized how much crap I had until it was time to pack it up and figure out how to transport it thousands of miles. There's the packing, organizing, selling things, giving things away, and still it's as if there's too much to possibly transport. Then I start asking things like "How many bags can I check on the airplane before they charge me?" "Does UPS or FedEx charge less?" and even "does a giant pink fluffy unicorn count as a carry on?" There's just so much to figure out.

Then there's the nostalgia part of it. Like when I'm driving by my old high school and I think back on all the memories, or when I'm planning a goodbye party, or even when I see like a stupid sign on the side of the road and I'm like "aw, I remember when they put that up." I mean, seriously? It's a sign! Nobody cares! Well, nobody cares until you're moving and then suddenly every nook and cranny of your memory is going "aw I remember-" and filling your heart with that painful "I'll miss this" feeling.

I guess in conclusion I'm just trying to say that moving is hard. And I'll definitely miss this state, and all the wonderful memories I've made here.

I Love Movies

So I've noticed that I love movies. A lot. So for this post I thought I would share with you my top 50 favorite movies list. All of these are must-sees, and if you haven't seen them yet then you bring shame to your family honor. Here we go!

TOP 50 FAVORITE MOVIES:
1. The English Patient
2. In Bruges
3. American Beauty
4. The Godfather: Part II
5. The Godfather (side note: never watch The Godfather: Part III, because it sucks and doesn't exist.)
6. Gladiator
7. A Beautiful Mind
8. Little Miss Sunshine
9. The Lion in Winter (Peter O'Toole was robbed of an Oscar for this)
10. The Shawshank Redemption
11. One Flew Over the Cockoo's Nest
12. Lawrence of Arabia (Peter O'Toole was robbed of his Oscar here too)
13. The Way Way Back (side note: The acting isn't always top-notch, but the writing and themes are what makes it so incredible)
14. Platoon
15. Out of Africa
16. The Deer Hunter
17. Million Dollar Baby
18. The Sting
19. Schindler's List
20. It Happened One Night
21. Dial M for Murder
22. Psycho
23. Her
24. Django: Unchained
25. Life is Beautiful (Make sure you watch it subbed, not dubbed.)
26. The Last King of Scotland
27. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
28. Citizen Kane
29. As Good As it Gets
30. Gone With the Wind (But only if you're in the mood for it, and you can really commit to watching it. You can't be half-hearted with this movie.)
31. Up
32. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
33. Fight Club
34. Casablanca
35. How to Train Your Dragon
36. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
37. Forrest Gump
38. 12 Angry Men (The original, please. None of that 1990s remake crap they shoveled out)
39. Pulp Fiction
40. Reservoir Dogs
41. Unforgiven
42. The Diving Bell and Butterfly
43. Howl's Moving Castle
44. American Hustle
45. The King's Speech
46. All the President's Men
47. Midnight in Paris
48. The Elephant Man
49. Good Will Hunting
50. A River Runs Through It

Now, keep in mind that these are only of my humble opinion. And ALSO these are not the only great movies. I have a full top 500 list, but I figured that would be too many to put down in one post. Now go watch these... like right now. Seriously.

The Worst Part of Breaking Up is the Emotions

So I've noticed that the worst part of breaking up is the emotions. It's incredibly complicated. You're not just sad or just relieved or just anything. You're everything. One moment you could be completely fine, thinking that you've finally moved on with your life and that your future looks bright without him, but then it'll hit you. The main thing that I don't understand in this awkward post-breakup stage is the fact that even though I logically know this is the right decision, I still want to get back together.

It's not that I think it will work, or that I think it can be repaired, because I know it can't. I just... still want somebody to call me when I'm walking home from the gym. I still want to hear about his day, and the things that he's excited for. I still want to hug him when I see him, and I still want to see him all the time. 

There's something magical, beautiful, and addictive about sharing your life with another person. It's something you never realize you need until you fall madly in love, but afterwards you can't help wondering how anyone ever gets by without that feeling. How did I survive before? It's like you become the most interesting person in the world. Someone out there loves you so much that they actually want to know what you ate for lunch that day, or what toppings you put on your sandwich, and it's not out of obligation that they listen... it's because somehow that topic actually is interesting to them because it's about you. And even stranger is that it's a two-way street, you also want to know about what they ate for lunch too. It's really amazing to know that no matter what bad happens in your life, there's someone out there that cares about what you put on your sandwich. And that no matter how horribly you mess up sometimes... if you fail a class, chew out your friend, get sick, lose your job, anything... someone's still out there waiting to talk to you about that and anything else you have to say. And you want to do the same for them. It's absolutely astonishing to share your life with another person.

But then, when it ends, there's this gaping hole left. Even after you noticed the relationship was puttering out. Even when you noticed those phone conversations getting shorter and shorter, those hugs getting less tight and comforting, those eyes looking at you less and less... even then, when you know you have to move on, you still feel just lost. There is no breakup where you come out of it okay, especially if you love someone. There's no way to really recover. It's like there's still that automatic reaction sometimes, like you forget for a second that the relationship is no longer there. Even a month after breaking up, I've caught myself reaching for my phone as I walk out of the gym, accidentally pressing in the first few digits of his phone number before remembering. I've caught myself looking forward to Friday, because I used to go see him every Friday night, but then I remember that that's no longer the case. And I've caught myself thinking, nearly every day, something along the lines of, "Oh I should tell him that-" before remembering again. 

I'm not just writing this as a woe-is-me kind of thing, either. I know that billions of people throughout history have felt what I am feeling now. But, I'm just trying to piece together what exactly I'm having so much trouble with here. Basically, I'm just saying that it's difficult to go back to just being me, myself, and I after being a part of a pair. Especially when it was supposed to work out.  

More Women Should Be Feminists

So I've noticed that more women should be feminists. Now, before everyone starts yelling at me, allow me to explain. In today's world, I know many women who consider themselves feminists, but really aren't. Now, I genuinely think that these women do believe that they are feminists, but they have completely missed the point. You know the people I'm talking about, I used to be one of the people I'm talking about. They're the ones who are advocating a matriarchal society rather than an equal one. They're the ones putting women down for choices that they make for themselves, and they're the ones that objectify men more than they claim men are objectifying them.

Now you all really want to yell at me, right? Try to hold back a bit, take a breath, and keep listening. I know this is an emotional topic, and trust me, my emotions are just as strong. But I'm begging you to put your judgment on hold and hear what I have to say. Just keep reading, alright?

Women are just as intelligent as men, so why do we assume we're not? By playing with Barbie, I probably had the same reaction I did when I played with my Tonka truck, or my easy bake oven. It was fun, so I played with it. Barbie didn't make me think I had to look like Barbie when I grew up, just like my Tonka truck never made me feel like I needed to become a truck driver, and my easy bake oven didn't make me feel like I needed to spend my life in the kitchen. I was a kid, so I played with fun toys. That's literally all there is to it. Young boys play with action figures all the time, yet nobody is raising a fuss over young men feeling inadequate because of Superman's biceps. Because they don't, just like Barbie isn't the problem with young women.

Then what is the problem, you ask? You're going to hate me when I say this, but it's women. I have had an entire slew of body image issues in my life. In my pre-teen years I alternated between never eating and eating all of my feelings, and I was overweight. I have always had body image issues, so don't ever think that I'm saying this because I'm exempt from feeling bad about the way I look, but Barbie didn't do this to me. Neither did television, or models, or magazines. Do you want to know the first time I felt like I didn't look right? It was when an adult woman said, "You would look so cute if you just lost a couple of pounds." HERE is where the body image issues lay, it's not with men, media, or anything else. Phrases like, "I could give you some low fat recipes" or "Your face is so pretty, but" are at the bottom of it. And women are the ones saying them to each other.

Now, as I stated before. Women are intelligent. Therefore, they should be able to make whatever choice they want for their life, correct? Yeah. So why do so-called "feminists" decide that a woman is only supportive of equal rights for women if they dress and act a certain way, or chose a certain career path. If a woman dresses in a revealing way, or if she is sexual in any way, other women criticize her for "becoming an object for male pleasure." I cannot tell you how sick I am of hearing that! Men are also smart, ladies, and contrary to popular belief they are not ruled by their genitalia. Men know you're not an object because you dress a certain way. And I would also like to suggest the possibility that the way another woman dresses could be because she wants to dress that way... just because it's what she is comfortable and confident in. In all likelihood, it has nothing to do with the men at all. And if a woman is a sexual person, they should not be shamed for it. They are allowed to make their own decisions, and it has nothing to do with you.

On the opposite side of the coin, women who decide they want to be stay-at-home mothers get just as much anger from so-called "feminists." If I hear another "feminist" rallying of about how someone is "just pushing traditional gender roles onto women" or "brainwashed by the media" I may vomit. For the last time WOMEN ARE INTELLIGENT and therefore can do whatever they want. And do you know why a women might want to be a stay-at-home mom? BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO! The same way that if a man wanted to be a stay-at-home dad there should be no issue with it! 

You're not a feminist by putting down other women for their decisions. You're not a feminist by fighting against "the media" or "Barbie." And you're definitely not a feminist by saying that men are sexualizing you, when you do the same thing to men you're attracted to. Now of course I recognize that there is horrible gender inequality in the world. And I do recognize that there is not equality here as far as pay goes for women. I understand all of that, and I know equality isn't fully realized yet in all ways. All I'm saying is let's actually try, as women, to support one another in reaching the goal of equality. Let's actually try to have a world where women can make whatever decision they want to without judgment or hindrance. Because as of right now, we're way off the mark. 

Holidays Make Me Miss Family

So I've noticed that holidays make me miss family. Now, I've never been a big holiday person. In fact, my entire family has never been the over-the-top for Easter people. Sure, we've had a nice meal, when we were little there were Easter baskets outside our doors. But, we were never die hard Christians, and with me not being a Christian at all anymore, celebrating Easter is something that lost its touch a while ago... or at least as soon as I outgrew Easter egg hunts and believing in a giant bunny that could lay chocolate eggs and hop around the world.

Since I was thirteen I've lived with just myself and my Dad, and after I entered college be moved two thousands miles away. Meanwhile my Mom already lived thousands of miles away. So, in all honesty, I don't even remember most Easters after I passed the age of ten. There are some vague memories from a couple years back, but that's about it. So, when I remembered this week that Easter was fast approaching my planning basically included writing some clever jokes about the fact that Easter fell on 4/20. "Some will be praising, others will be blazing," being my favorite of all the jokes I came up with.

I was invited to go along with one of my best friends, Joe, to church and then to his family's brunch. Since the alternative was sitting in a dorm room reading manga and watching Firefly for the second day in a row, and since I hadn't seen Joe in far too long (he's been off at college doing something with his life), I gladly accepted the offer. I didn't expect to become so emotional throughout the course of the day, however.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am THE most emotional person I know. I cry during hallmark commercials and cartoons. The Land Before Time series makes me tear up. But holidays in recent years, particularly Easter, kind of remind me of a dusty childhood toy you find under your bed after years. You pick up that old Thomas the Tank Engine and turn it over a couple times saying, "Aw, I remember this. I was so little when this was a thing of importance in my life" before finding an appropriate donation bin or trash receptacle to discard good ol' Thomas. That's the extent of my emotions towards Easter... well, it was until today.

I got up at 7 to get ready in time for church. I even wore a dress and tights and the whole nine yards. Joe and his family picked me up and we went to the church, where a band sang and testimonials were made, and hearts were touched. And I enjoyed it. I looked around at the families surrounding me, the parent's eyes filled with love and joy, the children's eyes filled with hungry excitement for chocolate and giant, fictitious bunny rabbits. Even without Christianity, there's something about this holiday that made me miss my family. We went onto brunch where Joe's family laughed making food, hid Easter eggs for us to find, played games.

The entire time I had so much fun. It was the kind of fun that I don't remember having around this holiday for a long time. And I remembered why I loved Easter as a child. I remembered that I loved my family, and that I wanted to be near them. I wanted to help them make food, and play games, and everything of the sort. I really miss them right now.

But in one month, I'll be moving back out near them and next Easter I'll make sure to be near so that I can do all of that. But for today, I will reflect on the fun I had with Joe's family... and I'll watch Game of Thrones. Because, come on, it's a new episode. There's no way I'm going to miss that.  

Breakups Make You Do Things With Your Life

So I've noticed that breakups force me to actually do things with my life. It was a little less than a month ago that I went through my first horrible breakup ever. We'd been together for about a year and half, and in that year and a half we'd spent every second glued to each others side cooing things like, "oh I love you so much" and spurting off pet names and planning a future together. We were that couple. And the worst part was that since we were (and still are) so young, it seemed that everyone except for us expected it to end at some point.

Now to fully understand the level or devastation I went through in the days of post-breakup madness, you have to realize that we had planned out our entire futures together. A month from today I'll be making a three thousand mile move across the country, and he was supposed to be coming with me. Well, he's not anymore. So all my plans essentially went to hell.

The first couple days of post-breakup hysteria were spent on the bathroom floor of my dorm room crying like an idiot and listening to Adele's "Someone Like You" on repeat and singing along. Now, no, I'm not accustomed to crying exclusively in bathrooms, but I'm living in the dorms right now and I hardly talk to any of my roommates ever (That's a story for another day). I didn't think they'd appreciate my tear-stricken Adele-singing face all up in their business for three days. I'm sure they also didn't appreciate having to walk downstairs to use a restroom, but I had to make a judgment call.

In the aftermath of the first three days of crying Adele fits, I remembered that I had a paper due in two hours. The "oh crap" feeling set in and for the first time I sat down in front of my computer not to Google things like "Why doesn't he love me?" or "What went wrong in my relationship," but to actually do something with my life. The feeling of dread at potentially failing this paper threw me into a kind of focus I hadn't had in a long time. And, somehow, it was liberating.

After the paper was written and turned in I felt the familiar urge to return to my cramped bathroom, blasting music and making pathetic Google searches like a thirteen year old girl. Instead I decided to write, and I didn't stop for a long time. Before my relationship I was always writing, and somehow I'd abandoned that interest the second I became "Carly and someone else" rather than just "Carly." And then, for a second, I felt relief at the fact that we had broken up.

You see, somewhere along the line I forgot what I actually enjoyed doing. So now, here I am, starting a blog because I have nothing better to do with my life... except maybe school work, but who really cares. I'll get to it someday. Basically, my breakup made me decide to do something with my life for the first time in a long time.